So far, so good

2 weeks have passed since i have left everything behind and took a path so unfamiliar to me.. i left everything in Cebu even the person that i was.. being in Manila made me discover so much about a lot of things and surprisingly even myself.. i have been fortunate enough that by only 5 days of being unemployed i already found a new one.. it still amazes how i ever did it?? oh i know!! God.. you made everything possible.. to be honest the first day I ever really experienced Manila (MRT, heavy traffic, tagalog speaking people, heavy rain and street flood, pollution) i wanted to pack my stuff and go back straight to Cebu and never come back.. it is really different here.. you have to be rough, tough, alert, patient and smart! making adjustments if i just did it on my own would have not been an easy task.. i was lucky enough that on my first few days at work i have met a few friends who have helped me with the directions and how i would get around he busy streets of Makati and Ortigas.. so these were the list of adjustments the few days i have been here already:

1. wake up as early as 5am to get ready for work.

2. at 7am you go fight your way to an fx seat bound for ayala in makati.

3. traffic flow from Ortigas to Makati is not that heavy yet so I'm still enjoying Mosnter's daily program while trying control self from laughing (don't ask me what the name of the segment coz i forgot). if you go beyond 7:00 am sharp (i am not kidding) you will definitely turn into a living skull from being stuck in traffic.

4. at 8am- 830am have breakfast at the office and talk with new friends (actually they do the talking and i do the nodding and smiling. it's much fun that way than giving myself a head ache that early from trying to figure out what the right words to say in tagalog).

5. work for 8 hours and after that when clock strikes 6pm joyce and I would go on a jeepney ride bound to the MRT station. (Buendia station).

6. challenging part of my day! fight with the rest of the ladies for a space on an MRT.. i learned that you have to wear deodorant and learn how to hold breath until you reach your station. also never ever smile at anyone in there. the first time i was with joyce i was having a good laugh at myself because i was like running like a mad person and i was actually enjoying picturing myself and so i ended up smiling the whole time and i realize that the people around me were looking at me strangely. maybe it is not polite for them when they are sweating and swearing to see someone enjoying because really how can you find it fun right? maybe in their head they think i am going crazy because how can someone still manage to bring out a smile with all the horrible smell and and angry people. so smiling and giggling is definitely a no no.. serious face always.

7. and of course my favorite part of the day, meet up with Makoi at Mega Mall. we eat together and talk about our day. it's what i look forward to everyday since i got here. so even though i was having a horrible day i can always find a reason to be happy.

waking up early, fighting your way to get a seat on a fx or MRT, all the running, all the sweat and all the getting lost, all the nose bleeding from trying to communicate in tagalog without having to sound like Manny, well I've survived all those in my first week here. i never thought that I can even call myself a city girl but seems to me i just might become one sooner. it is not as bad as i thought as what had everyone have been telling me. i have discovered that i can make it on my own and that there is absolutely no way that a bad thing will happen to me as long as I have Him by my side. I know that this is just the beginning and that this is not even half the battle that i am about to face. everything will start the soon i am going to start my work. right now everything seem bright and breezy because i am still under training for our projects. they are still what they call me "being equipped" and that would normally fall to sleeping always (oh come on as if you don't do this!! it is not my fault when training room is conducive to relaxation) and no mental stress yet so far. when i will be deployed to what they call "madugo" projects i know the real hard part will now start and i better prepare myself for that. I needed to become strong, independent and confident right? well here is my chance now. I can do this!! God help me on this journey that i took.. never leave my side and always remind me of your loving presence..

That's all for now.. ALL IS WELL!!

Thank you Lord

Who would have thought that in just a few days i am no longer unemployed. despite whats happened to me, all the unfortunate events that came my way while i was trying to find work it all turned out pretty well after all. i just couldn't believe that i got in. i will be starting next week, monday.

wish me luck then.. :D

1st day in Manila

Manila.. the first time I have ever been here i have told my self I will never ever try living here.. there was that MRT/LRT where it's completely packed people! it's so hard to move around. then the traffic of course. it was not just an urban legend it is so real and i thought cebu had the worst traffic.

i never thought that i would even consider working and living here. what you would really do for love right?

May 5, 2010 was the last day of my work in IN-CHEE-AR and my last day to be in Cebu as well. I flew to Manila all by myself for the first time. it was awful though how of all the flight delayed it has to be the one i was taking. 3 hour delayed and i felt like not going to Manila anymore. and so i waited impatiently for if i don't i will be jobless for a long time if i stay just in cebu and yeah long distance relationship sucks! BIG TIME!

Arrival at manila it was already 2am in the morning. have to wait for my baggage and have to travel from the airport to the boarding house. Saw the place I was staying and I am loving it. we have tiled floors. a terrace. our own cr. i definitely love the place!

I canceled on my first scheduled interview because i was not conditioned to be interviewed. I didn't cancel on my Beriberifone interview though which was scheduled in the afternoon. So for the first time I traveled from boarding house to Ortigas. makoi thought me how to go there but when you lack sleep and when you are tired you cant tell the difference between left and right. i have to be on my own now because makoi needs to work. how i even got out of the village was already a big challenge. plenty of time have i turned to a dead end and boy was it scorching hot! and i hail out the wrong tricYcle. driver would give me a little laugh every time i would ask in bisaya.

at last i got out of the village and as makoi instructed i took a bus on my way to ortigas. manila is huge! makoi was on the phone telling me to look to my left and look for certain establishments and still this coconut shell of mine was just i guess too dumb. it was hot and i was sleepy and i was already having a bad time because i have no idea how to get to ortigas and i was almost late for the interview. i wanted to cry and just buy a plane ticket to cebu ASAP! i am having trouble speaking in tagalog that was why i couldnt ask for direction. Makoi was already angry at me for being too weak and i couldnt blame him. finally i saw UNIONBANK and i remember that building the first time i went to manila. I remember we passed through that building just before we arrived at ortigas. so i was saved after all.

i took an exam on c++ and was i disappointed at it. i hadn't had any review and I forgot about pointers! i hated it! after i finished the exam i was interviewed by two guys and was it awful. It was like freezer inside the room! Whenever they would ask me a question my voice is trembling. i couldnt understand what they were asking me. i just wanted to light myself a fire. i was frozen until i couldnt take it anymore and i asked the two guys to turn down the airconditioner! both of them were laughing because they were both also cold! i am not confident about the interview. It was awful. the last thing i said to my interviewers was can i get out now?

now they tell me to wait for the result. they will have to evaluate the exam i took and yup the interview. i doubt i am gonna hear from them again.

well after that feeling a bit defeated i decided to go back to my boarding house to unpack my stuff and get some rest. I went home safe and i didnt get lost. just that the van i was riding didnt understand when i said "lugar lang". i said it like 3 times and he finally asked "bababa ka ba?".. :)

well that's about my first day here. tomorrow is another day hopefully by then i will learn how to speak tagalog fluently.

Slamming Doors

Oh it's hard to be rejected. Twice already have I been this close to getting a chance of finding a new job. Then I receive an email today telling me that they have already considered another candidate for the position. After all the sugar coated words they have said to me last week. "Oh you did well on your technical interview and we shall endorse your application to the Director. We will email you with the detail on how you are going to get here.". Wow they did email alright but not on how I was gonna get to their office but yup to slam the door on my face. I was not even given a chance to be interviewed and already I'm out. So i thought had they been lying to me all this time? telling me that I passed the technical interview because they dont have the heart to tell me the truth? I don't know. It's hard to look for a job these days. i don't know what I'm gonna be in Manila. It's a different world out there. I am penniless with piles of bills to pay. I'm screwed.

But then the only thing that keeps me from going crazy, from still pursuing a life in a city so foreign to me is Makoi. Even though I have been let down plenty of times the thought of him keeps me from not giving up. It's hard but i got to move on. He is my safety net and I couldn't be more luckier. So goodluck to me next week. And oh Lord help me.

How much worse can it get

Unbelieveably enough I thought that the worse thing that has ever happened to me was the time I hit my face on the IN-CHEE-AR (not the real name of my company) 6th floor's glass door. it would have been okay if no one knew about it so i could just deny everything but noooooo. first of all i have like 5 witnesses and not to mention the surveilance camera. and then the blood splatter for my DNA sample and evident swollen lips. there was absolutely no way it-wasn't-me-line was gonna work. Like chicken pox i thought that i was already immuned to anymore embarrassing moments. I mean come on? nothing can beat that right? and so i thought..


April 13, 2011 I got a call from As-In-Sure Company (just an alias) informing me that i have a job offer. Thank God the woman on the other line could not see the expression on my face. When she told me about the amount i was gonna make I almost fainted and fell off my seat. It was twice the amount i was making in IN-CHEE-AR. Not to mention the benefit package that were mentioned. I was so overwhelmed! feeling like i've won the lottery. this will definitely solve all of my financial trouble! and finally i can get a make over and help others too. This is it! this is really it!

nothing could possibly go wrong right? i mean when a reputable company offers you a job there is absolutely no way they were gonna take it back! i was gonna start on May 16. i have to submit my resignation letter right away just enough for me to complete 4 weeks before i start on the other company. so i hurried. i submitted my resignation letter without even having signed the contract.

one thing i learned was to listen to my inner voice. I was having second thoughts alright. something just didn't feel right. first sign of trouble was how come out of the 5 of us who applied in that company why only me? i mean they were better than me! second was i got called 5 minutes before my contract signing that there will be a delay because cebu has not yet received the papers.

I shoved that tiny voice in my head and went on to talk to our manager that i will no longer be staying no matter what there counter offer will be. i was so firm on my decision. I got out of the conference room feeling so damn unsecure about a whole lot of things. feeling like i was at the edge of a building and am about to go bungee jumping without having any safty net below. what i did was a suicide. i cant stop looking at my phone. "when is As-In-Sure going to call me for the contract signing?" i was feeling so damn scared. My phone rang at last and it was from As-In-Sure alright and this was what i heard "Hello ma'am maretzel? I know that we have told you that there was a delay on the signing of contract but we just got a call from an IN-CHEE-AR lead that we have to discontinue your application because of the existing agreement we just had with your company.." after that i just couldn't digest anymore of what she was saying. for a while i thought i was dreaming. it didnt seem so real? i blinked and yup i was so awake. i thought that it was some sort of joke that IN-CHEE-AR has put me through. i thought that there was another program they were having where they would call randomly an employee and would lead them to believe that there was an offer from another company and if you say yes to their offer and resign right away they would throw you this "GOTCHA!!! You just got dope!!!". The more humiliated you get the more chance you get of winning that two million by adding 100 entry in your name!!! but unfortunately enough this was really happening. I got offered a job and then they took it away just like that. more like a door to a castle has been opened and they take a look at you and realize that you don't belong there and slam it hard on my face. ouch that hurt! After what i went through sorry is all they can say. I was crushed. Have you ever get that feeling where someone tells you this "give me 5" and then you actually thought they were gonna give you that only to find out that the moment you were gonna hit their hand they hide it right away and would laugh at you for being stupid? it's even worse than that! i realize that the currently most embarrassing moment sitting on the number 1 spot on my list could not even surpass the amount of humiliation that i felt right now. there was nothing i can do anymore. i just couldn't beg my job back. if i do that i would double the humiliation that i have already placed myself into. so here i am, victim of my decision. two weeks from now i will be jobless.

but of course i can't blame either of the company now, i mean yeah i was pissed off about the whole it's-their-fault excuse everytime i would ask them what my options are. i understand that this is just business and i have absolutely do not stand a chance against the big guys. i mean i am just this tiny person. what can i possibly do if i fight against giants right? so it would be better i guess to just go and retreat. so i thought i will just let the whole thing slide and go on with my life even if as of now i really feel defeated.

I have decided to try my luck in Manila. i'm so scared right now. I'm broke with so many bills to pay and i dont even have any savings. OH MY GOD! what the hell have i done? Lord help me out here. i just don't know what to do anymore. this is just depressing. :(

what if?

Early in the morning i opened my email i read this message from my manager that we are to start with our task. :( bummer. I dont even have a clue on what my task is about. not blaming anyone though it's just my heart is no longer in to doing anything here. :( trying to be patient but it seems the longer i stay here the more unstable i become. it sucks being here but who am i to complain? out of all the jobless people in our country i happen to have one! but i just can't help it when i feel that i should be doing something else. Why? Why did i choose being a programmer as a profession? when i was a kid being a programmer was so not my dream. if given a chance to go back in time i would definitely want to try other professions.

teacher

i think i would make a good grade school teacher. having been a volunteer in gawad kalinga i think that i can handle kids pretty well. they would definitely love me because i would give them easy exams and we would just sing and dance the whole time. but how i wish all kids are good ones. I have happened to encounter the naughtiest kind. the kind that santa would cross out from his to-give-gift-list. what would everyone say if a kid would make me cry? so i guess being teacher is not a good idea then.

doctor

i have always wanted to save lives and being a doctor would definitely fit me. but having been sickly when i was little sort made me develop a phobia of needles and blood. I can't stand the sight of a needle much more if it's penetrated to my skin. I would just fade out of consciousness. so doctor is definitely a no.


police woman

if i cannot save lives being a doctor then next in line would be a police woman right? I mean i would be chasing bad guys and get to beat them too. Unfortunately I am not that brave. Only in my dreams do i get to hit someone i despise so much. I can't even kill a tiny mouse nor can i shoot some zombies in a computer game. I am just not a violent person. so police woman is a no.

model (violent reaction is not welcome!)

yup! even though i hated playing with my barbies i still dreamed of becoming a model. How i would love to look all pretty and confident. with all the beautiful dresses and shoes and make up. all those. but then when i was in high school i became over weight and that dream was suddenly gone as soon as i reached 140lbs on the weighing scale. And even though i lost 20lbs in college i was just too lazy to even try putting face powder nor do i even comb my hair. i can't even make a decent pose in front of a camera. i'm way too shy and my confidence is way too low and i don't think i even pass to their beauty standard. and so being a model is defintely out.

lawyer

just a wishful thinking. can't even defend myself most of the time even if i know i am right. :D

musician (please don't laugh)

i sing when i take a bath, when i cook, when i wash my clothes, heck even when i sleep. i love to sing! the only trouble is i was not blessed to have a beautiful singing voice. to save humanity singing is definitely a no no.

I realize now, as i go through all my possible other options that i will eventually choose a programmer after all. *sigh* maybe i just need motivation and inspiration. oh well got to go back to work now. :(

Removing Band Aid

For the first time in almost 4 years here in my company finally i sent out my resume to like 10 companies. it was a nerve wrecking experience for i was thinking already of being rejected but then my intuition was right after all (3 out of 10 called and only 1 considered me for the final interview). but the whole experience was like removing band aid. it was painful at first but then i get over the pain after. i got my first phone interview from one of the companies i randomly sent my resume to. it was not that bad at all. then i realize all these times i have been afraid to go out there, all the times i have wasted being a coward.. then you find out that this thing that you were so afraid of was just a tiny thing that is not even that scary. it was like you see this huge shadow, a monster as it appears before your eyes then you take a good look then you laugh at yourself for having been afraid of a tiny little mouse's shadow. So yes i have not been happy with my job. but never have i even tried to apply to another company because i was too afraid of having to face REJECTION. and so i stayed.. even though i felt that i was no longer contributing well and it feel damn awful i had to stick to being miserable at my work because i would rather not get rejected. and so just last week i took a chance and even though yes it might be a rejection that i have not been called days after my final interview i actually didn't feel that bad as i have imagined it. the only thing that i have felt bad about is that i have wasted so much time being afraid of nonsense and that i should have done this a long time ago. if i had only tried then maybe i have not spent years of my life moping over a problem that could be solved as easily as 1+1. indeed you will never know unless you tried. I was just too concerned about getting rejected than finding my own happiness.

i do not love my job anymore and it has been a burden! and the only way i could ever fix this is to go out there and find something that could make me feel that i actually am good at something because i put my heart to it. at least now there had been an improvement. submitting my resume is definitely my ticket out of here. i got to keep trying no matter what. GOOD LUCK TO ME THEN.

Finding happiness

Wednesday: day after I went jogging knees was in a lot of pain. I was limping when i got in the office. Thursday: i woke up with a stiff neck. didn't work and filed for sick leave. Friday: i feel a bit better. knees and neck seem to be in less pain. Saturday: my monthly period came and i suffered hours of cramps. Sunday: Woke up feverish with a sore throat. Monday: pain on throat got a lot worse so i went to see a doctor and found out i have... faringitis? dont remember what the name was nor how it is even spelled.. anyways i asked the doctor what that is and he said I had an infection on my right throat because of eating too much ice cream and sweets and junk food. naming all my favorite food came out a bad news to me. :( Medicine caused a lot too. 48.90 each! and i have to buy 12 of it. Never before had i been this sick in straight days. I feel like i'm in hell right now. I have trouble eating and now my tummy is in pain. :( My sister told me last night that illnesses could sometimes be psychological. She knows that i have been really unhappy at work and it shows everytime i would go home. She encouraged me to find another job and find my happiness. I'd like to share what she told me that struck me the most. She said "happiness equals wellness". And i actually think she has got a point. I'm praying that i will find a new job and hopefully find my happiness.

Wake Up!!

It's the same routine everyday! I set the alarm at 6:00 in the morning, turn it off and go right back to sleep till I wake up only when I am hungry. I do this only when I am completely bored at work but when i do have something to look forward to I'm usually early than my alarm clock. Well I've been rather lazy lately. Would come in rather late at work and looking like I drunk person. Not really proud of myself. I just lack motivation right now. The thing that i hate most in waking up early is it's really cold! We dont have hot showers here so we just have to go bathe in frozen water (i'm actually just exagerating). Temperature is tolerable except that your lips would shiver sometimes as you go out of the bathroom and cold wind comes embracing you. Got to find something to motivate me. perhaps try looking for a new job, a new city, new faces, new people.. what do you think?

Speaking in front of the Camera..

This is my first time to ever speak in front of the camera.. Hmmm it was kinda awkward but i decided to give it a shot.. I didn't notice till now that my hands were covering my chest twice the whole time the video was taken.. i must have been that nervous to know what was going on with some parts of my body.. well i need a whole lot of practice! this video is for my bf.. i introduce to him my new pet, a fighter fish which i named after him.. hope he likes this..

-Chingot

First Rock Climbing Experience

I agreed to go on this adventure because it seem easy to look at on television and pictures so when i was invited by kha i immediately said YES and canceled on my other activities! how can i possibly say no to this?! i received this invitation 3 hours before the meet up and I was yet at my dayhike. in my rush to get to our meeting place i have had not have a chance to prepare my things. the plan was we have to spend the night at Toledo for the GK site's Siga Christmas Party. I only brought with me an extra shirt, and my phone! I was in such a hurry i forgot to bring with me my camera and even my girl stuff!

So we were at Toledo already and despite my current situation i've had a great time with the teenagers there and some of the kids of course. We played games till midnight and we had to stay on the site's guest room. good thing there were blankets that provided for us and a pillows too. i was able to sleep soundly and thus was ready to face the famous rocks of Contabaco!

the day that i have been waiting for has finally came and I was so shocked to see the walls that we were about to climb. It was looking down at me as if taunting me that I couldn't possibly make it to the top. My knees started to shake as i start to think of the height of that damn thing. It's not what i have actually pictured in my head. then those guys who must have been rock climbing since birth conquered those walls effortlessly! didn't even see them sweat! not even a drop! kha and Jared went first of course. kha have been climbing during her college days and jared well rock climbing is his hobby! they were like spiderman on that wall! and then it was my turn! i wanted to ran away but everyone was like it is so easy ching! this huge guy tied me to this rope connected at the top of the wall and then i knew that i couldn't back out now. The first few steps was fine. but as i look down my vision starts to blur out. my senses were of no use anymore! i panicked at the site of the ground below me. i tried to hang on the wall while everyone shouts at me to continue climbing. I got scared! i didnt trust the rope and i knew that i couldn't go anymore further. and so i begged plenty of times for them to just get down. and they were really persistent that i go on! our arguing went on for quite a while until they finally gave up on the thought that i can still finish till the top.

i wanted to make it to the top but i was not ready to conquer my fear of heights just yet. i didn't have much strength either to pull myself up. i have learned that i at least must experience the indoor wall climbing before i have even jumped into rock climbing! it was a suicide. what i learned from this experience is that pictures can be decieving! doesn't mean that just because those climbers were smiling on their pictures that it can be fun for foolish people like me. never again. to spare myself from further embrassment i must not just charge! ^__^

facebook!

i feel horrible. it has not been easy for me being in a long distance relationship. well i thought it would be easy the first few weeks but as soon as everyone here knew about my boyfriend everyone has been really trying to give me a hard time giving me visuals of him just playing with me. I know that i insisted on my previous entries of how I'm never gonna be affected with what everyone is saying but was i wrong. it's like i'm being warned of how i should be cautious enough with my feelings because i could just end up like all my failed relationship. sure they care but really i just hope that they would at least be sensitive enough to believe that I made this choice to be with him not because i was in any rush or for any desparate reason. I made this decision because i really do care and love this person. i do trust him also.

but lately the more that i keep hearing their advices the more there words are penetrated into my heart, completely polluting my so perfect image of this person i gave my heart to. i thought that the wall i have build around him was so very strong only to find out that it wasn't at all. slowly i saw this wall starting to get cracks everywhere and i started to panic. i started to believe them and with that i have hurt him for letting them destroy the wall.

I cant believe that over silly things like relationship status in our facebook account would even affect me. Well at first i didn't seem to mind but then when people start telling me that him not declaring me as his significant other is a sign that he is cheating on me. then i started to worry if these could be true. despite my defense that that's not how i know him i still end up being a failure. nothing i say about him could ever convince them or even make them drop their jokes about him not taking me seriously. Until one night i just had enough. i did the most unthinkable! i picked a fight. we fought over our fb status, our comments on fb of him not being too showy and me being too showy, about a whole lot of nonsense. and then i realize after i talked to him that i shouldn't be even listening to what others stories about nonsense because no one else knows him better than i do. i was such an idiot for starting a fight.

I was just too upset that i couldn't go to the office, and also hormones were raging because of my monthly period (not a good excuse but i strongly feel my mood was slightly affected with the current situation). the timing was just fantastic and so i picked another fight. after all the crap i put him through he still managed to be patient. he even tried to calm me down by which he was successfully able to do. i fell awful afterwards. :( i mean how could i have done that to him? i'm just so immature.

i got in the office today and i found this 3 chocolate bars with I LOVE YOU in it. I even feel worse than yesterday because he still managed to be sweet after everything i put him through. all because of facebook i almost ruined my relationship. let this be a lesson to everyone to not let some website define your relationships. why is it even important for people to know how sweet and loving you are both? relationship is supposed to be between two people. no people should get involve nor try to judge the ways that we know how to show our love. i happen to be with the sweetest guy in the whole wide world and because of some networking site i got paranoid. so stupid! never again. and also i shouldn't be even affected with what everyone say about him. i should have just let them judge him because it's their right but for me to actually join the party is plain evil. what was i even thinking? i learned my lesson alright and the hard way it's been. i know i have already hurt him and i will do my best to make it up for him. somewhere i have heard of this line "i must have done something good in my life to have deserve this." well amen to that! God is indeed good to me.

where to go?

The past few months I have not been doing important nor interesting here anymore. Today was the worse, I actually don't have anything to do but to go to the office anyways. Am very disappointed that I have to fight my way to a front seat of a jeepney just so i could get in early at work only to be just sitting here and wait for my 8 hours to finish. I feel bad about having to spend my time sitting here and wasting my time when I could do something more helpful. Perhaps save the world. I start to wonder if i really belong here. I find that I much enjoy my weekends. Although it's the most exhausting time of my week but I feel that at least I am doing something important rather than sit around and wait for some order. i hate that i get to be paid to do nothing. I hate that i am here when i could be with someone right now but i know i can't leave here. :( anyways so many things to decide next month. if i should stay here in cebu and find another job and continue with my serving the Lord or leave cebu and be with the guy i love and leave everything behind. :( wish me luck. :(

Life during BC

I received a text message from ate yen telling me that we will be having our CLP (Christian life program) this week. This will be my first CLP as full pledged SFC member. Also I was asked to be a sharer on our first session. Wow I couldn't really imagine speaking in front of people I barely even know and much more share about my experiences before I accepted Christ in my life and how I was changed eversince. Not that i don't want to inspire others but being put on a spotlight is not really my thing but because this is all for my loving Father I accepted the challenge. since it's tomorrow I'm kinda having a whole lot of thoughts rushing im my head. I'm a bit nervous now as i think of that day. What can i possibly tell everyone?

I look back at my life before I set foot on the gates of DOH (assembly area for CLP of SFC C2B) and I could definitely say that I was miserable and lost. Yup I may be described as a cheerful person by all of my closests friends but deep inside I was completely in bad shape. the story of how I even got to know SFC was never an accident. I believe that God really wanted me to find Him. It all started when I was trying to figure out what I would do with my weekends if I don't have any climbs to go to. I was a rotaract member for 2 years last year but then for some reasons i wanted to serve more and so to my desperate attempt to find a new group i searched through the net and found out about Gawad Kalinga or GK for short. I got a hold of a contact number from someone who is a volunteer and I texted him on how i could join. I got invited to one Sunday activity they had on one of their site located in Everstly. Amazingly enough SFC was also having their CLP's orientation Friday the same week I discovered GK and this volunteer is also an SFC member so he invited me too. I was like "Man! I can't join that now! what will my friends say about me? they will definitely laugh at me!". I didn't want to go and I didn't want to be ridiculed. But if I don't join I could possibly blow my chance on GK. And so I went but just for the sake of showing up.

Friday came and as expected friends were like all over me telling me not to join. I remember one friend told me "are you that desperate to find someone that you would resort to joining this group?". I got laughed at as I have anticipated but was not enough to stop me from going. I got there and looked around to find some familiar faces and I saw Fiel, an officemate here in NCR! I was so relieved as I sit myself down. I kept looking at my phone for the time. i impatiently waited for the orientation to start just so it could finish. Fiel was busy being with the food committee and so i was alone in the crowd. I don't know anybody. I told myself i am never coming back here.

After like an excruciating hours of waiting we finally started. I don't know what happened but all those negative feelings i was having a while back suddenly all went away as we pray and sing songs of praise. I can't really explain it but my heart was at peace. The speaker finally shared about his experience with Christ. then something happened, i suddenly wanted to know the God responsible for his wonderful life or atleast the God I used to know. i found that I completely knew Him differently. I know Him to be the one you go to when you have problems. I know Him to be the giver of everything and that you should praise and thank Him. He is the one who I go to when I don't have anything else to hold on to from which after then i go on with my life never really reflecting as to why certain things happen to me. So for me the God I knew don't have a relationship with me. I have to praise and pray to him because that is what everyone is doing. That I have to do good things because I will never be granted access to his Kingdom and quite frankly that didn't even scare me. I guess i never really believed that He even existed. In a way I am just putting on a show all these time that I pray and go to church only so i could feel i belong. i go to church because that's what my parents tell me to do and i really never understood or did I put it in to heart that there meaning for celebrating the mass every sunday. How could this person talking in front us possibly feel the way he does and describe feelings i am so unfamiliar with. It all got me fascinated. I never really thought of God that way. And it triggered something in me. It made me hunger for more. I wanna know about God and I wanna know how to find Him. then i found out that the first session on the CLP will be about God's love and I swore I wanted it start right away. everything on the orientation got me really curious.

eversince the orientation i knew i was changed. i have completed the 12 CLP sessions and still want more of Him. i have learned a lot from my CLP experience and still i find that it was not enough.

Before I was very hard on myself. I didn't feel I deserve to be loved by anyone much more by God. I really didn't feel i was even worth to exist in this world. Then slowly with God's help I find that all that's been happening to me was part of His plan, to make me a better person and to make me feel His love. i couldn't even begin to fit everything in a one page to share my experience of Him to all of you. but to those who knew me then, can really testify that I am a different person now than i was before Christ/before CLP (or i as i would like to call BC). I am cheerful because I really am cheerful and not because I am masking something. these smiles that you are seeing are genuine and it is because i really am happy.

I wish there is enough more time for me to share about the transformation I have with my life but this is about what i can do for now. whatever i am feeling right now wouldn't be justified with just words for you to understand. But do allow me to say this that with God in the center of your life everything is just wonderful. ^__^