ToReTe

I got really bored last night.. I was home alone and was not in the mood to go out.. Decided to play with my guitar.. Am not really good in playing at it yet and still practicing so i apologize for this video.. Anyways this is my favorite song.. I dedicate this song to my special someone.. hope you like it..

LoVe

Eversince I got into this long distance relationship, i've received a whole lot of raised eyebrows in disbelief that in so many times i have had my heart broken I have not learned my lessons at all. Here i am again putting myself out for a person who I have not in a long time seen or talked to. Reasoning out that being friends with him during college won't suffice everyone's concern that it is not enough to trust that easily especially because we are distance apart and that people change. While their being worried to my happiness is understandable and even sweet at most times, i can't help but start questioning myself about doing the right thing. It seem not fair to question his sincerity no matter what my excuse is for having a doubtful heart. but what do i really know? the past relationships i've had (and quite a few there'd been) i was just the same as now, too trusting. how i can be so sure that what happend before will never happen again? i stood up only to fall over and over again. have i not had enough of this? i guess not, for i'm back on the place where i used to be. it's up to him if he would let me fall on the ground.

I was asked why i would risk being hurt again? i guess the suffering i felt of not knowing of what it would be like to be with him is much greater than the fear i have of possible heart break. Been hiding for so long and boy was i safe but lonely. I wouldn't let anyone in and it was too damn sad until he came. i was so sure that i wouldn't fall for him because of the distance between us but was i wrong. was i wrong to think that i was so safe. The next thing i know we are in this what people call Long Distance Relationship or LDR (can't believe there is a title for this). Why did i agree to this? That I have no idea. All I know is i just want to be with him. How do i know if he is not going to hurt me? I don't. I'm taking my chances. I'll be just fine, i think. I know that someone is watching over me. So there isn't really anything to worry about, right? uhmmm Fine i'm a bit scared but hey I am happy and just let me be. I can handle myself perfectly if should anything happen. ^__^

Christmas Vacation on My Mind

The past few days has been a torture here in the office. When you can think of nothing but that long vacation every task assigned no matter how easy they are seemed to be an impossible problem to solve. I've haven't really enjoyed my vacation leave heck even my sick leave this year and now that I can finally have it I can't think of nothing but speed up time and get right on it! I miss home! I miss my family! I miss not having to get up early and drag myself to the office doing the same old thing every day! I can just taste it! Feel it! it's right out there and I want it now. ^__^

Anyways! have I got some shocking news. Hold back to your seat and breath. I've got a... hmmmmmm.. wait for it.. boy.. again wait for it.. friend.. ^__^ yup you read it right! I got myself a boyfriend and am not telling who he is yet.. Everything right now feels new to me.. the feeling of having someone to love me again after more than a year of being alone seem scary and yet so wonderful all at the same time. Up until now still can't believe i have somebody loving me exactly for who I am (even my being weird and strange) and yup yup i love him back. hoping that he'll stay long this time. As of now i feel so blessed and happy. So i can therefore say that this year, 2010, out of 10 is an 8. Not bad right? looking forward to 2011.

Truth or Dare

Was looking through my old pictures and came across this video of mine from like billion of years ago.. Wow I look very young and very shy.. not that i'm no longer shy these days but boy was it worse before.. i think this is the first time i ever sang in front of my friends.. we were playing truth or dare.. i chose dare.. those were the fun days of my life.. :)

I LoVe My PhOnE

By my being very clumsy for the second time i lost my mobile phone but then I've always been lucky because my stuff loves me that much that they come looking for me whenever I am separated from them (I'm that loveable). I dropped my phone in a taxi. I guess I was half asleep at the time, no longer minding what's going on around me. I was still unaware that I have unintentionally abandoned my phone it was only until i wanted to see what time it was did i start to wonder where in the world i have put it. Was not in my pockets, not in my bag, not in my friend's bag either. and then there i started to panic but tried not to show it in my face because i don't want my friends to worry. In my head I'm like this "GOODNESS! I LOST MY PHONE! WHERE! WHEN!" and that tiny self of mine called my conscience is frantically telling me to run after that taxi cab or go check places i've went to in SM! But then i have to look composed and poised so I just calmly told my friends "oh i lost my phone". Deep inside I wanted to cry. I might have appeared not to care but that phone meant a whole lot to me. My father gave me that phone despite not having a job anymore. I guess the past few months that he stayed at home, no longer able to provide us with what we need he was feeling useless. It was on that one time that he was able to give us a phone, though not the hi-tech or expensive one, did we again see how happy he was to feel useful. My concern at that time was that what if my father would feel i didn't value what he gave me. how can i tell him that i lost his gift? That was what i was so sad about mostly. I went home and in hopeless attempt to solve this problem I called my number using my sister's phone. It rang but no answer. i went to bed feeling awful. Early morning I couldn't believe my eyes! It was a message from my phone telling me that I can have my phone back. Indeed I am a very lucky person for this is the second time my phone came looking for me. I am very lucky because the ones who have picked my phone knew how much i valued it.

So now i got my phone back and I couldn't be much happier. When i return home for christmas my father will see me using the phone he gave me. My phone is a simple reminder of my father's love to us. ^___^ Any gift no matter how small and simple if given from the heart is much priceless and should be treasured.

NowADaYs ^___^

Was I wrong to think on my previous entry that I'd be able to have plenty of time for myself. I was so planning to start packing and be heading out of here but then I guess God has other plans for me because no matter how hard I try to escape from here I always end up coming back on the same place like damn boomerang. A lot has happened lately and thus after having a lot of thinking I decided to stay here for a while. Was not the easiest decision to make but I feel that this is where I'm supposed to be. So I'm still in the same company, no plans at all to leave this year or even next year and that's final. Yeah I do feel envious sometimes (still working on controlling my green eyed monster) to those who gets to be paid 5 times my salary on their company. I would be thinking about that trip I've been dreaming to have with my family if only I have bigger pay. All the fancy restaurants I can bring my mama and papa. All the books i can buy every pay day! All the pretty dresses and cute shoes i can wear so that no longer will i be teased for looking like one of the boys. All the mountains i can climb. Help I can provide to the GK site i've been assigned. (Sigh if only) ^___^ Till then I simply must not give up on my dreams. I know that it will all come, in God's time. Speaking of God, He has been really gracious to me. Having been tied up at work and my org the past few weeks i never thought I'd be rewarded with such gift. ^__^ My dream of going to Manila and be on a plane has been answered this year and not only that, He gave me more than what I asked from Him. I never thought that I would be able to set foot on Enchanted Kingdom, realized my childhood dream (to ride a carousel) and wildest dream (to ride those extreme rides), be on a train, see huge buildings, see my idol Toni Gonzaga (please don't tell my sister), and even more. I've had so much fun in Manila. :) I know that this to some maybe a simple wish but for me the happiness i felt at the moment is incomparable. had so much fun!!

So for now must patiently wait. There'd be more surprises just like my Manila experience. Now am gonna leave this post with a quote from an author I have recently discovered and is beginning to love his works. ^__^

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."
— C.S. Lewis

Panic Mode!

I was looking at the classified ads last night, well just for the sake of making me feel that I have plans on finding another job so I wouldn't feel left out. Then I noticed that most of the qualifications prefers applicants with age of 21 - 25. It took me a while to realize that I no longer belong to that age bracket! Then I started to panic! whoa I'm 26 and still pretty much unstable! what if the time would come when I finally want to find a new job and no one would hire me because I'm too old and don't really have much experience! I gotta have a plan! Took my notebook and scribbled down stuff that doesn't make sense till i dozed off.

I woke up feeling sad as I realize how much time I have wasted simply because I've haven't been brave and how lazy I have been. I know I could have done more if only I believed in myself. There's much I could do if only I tried. I got to start now or I'll forever be stuck in this life that I didn't ask for. So this week I need to do the following and if I don't accomplish this then I'll cut my hair short! and this is not a joke.

1. Study Java

I know! I've been planning this since last year and yet still haven't done this because I was just not motivated enough!

2. Close TARs

I don't like it but gotta do it to give me time for studying. This would mean no more facebook and chatting with friends! Got to save my hair!

3. Finish my weekly project

I didn't get to finish this project last week because I was just too lazy to continue. I'm 50% done though. The project by the way is to recycle something and last week's was on making something out of my old and no longer wearable jeans.

4. Think of something to decorate for my Christmas tree made of recycled materials

Christmas is coming and my tree is still undecorated! For this year I decided not spend much on expensive decors. Instead I want to help with the environment, save, and make use of my free time.

5. Go to confession!

Yup I'm awful. Have not gone to confession for more than a year now. I have to do it this week!

That's all for now! I'll keep you posted next week. And I swear if I don't accomplish 5 of my list by the end of this week I'm gonna be saying goodbye to my long hair. :( Wish me luck!

Signs

It was during my cousin's wedding did I first ask God for a sign. During that time I was broken hearted. The guy I was seeing then left me for his high school sweetheart. I really didn't feel like going to this wedding at the time. Seeing a bride and groom so happy together was just all too much for me and i have to wear this horrible bride's maid gown too! To top it all my partner was 5 inches shorter than I am and everyone at the church was giggling when it was our turn to ramp the aisle. A daymare it was! The whole time I wanted to cry! Thank God I'm a bit blessed with an acting skill. I was able to smile and be cheerful even though I just wanted to rip my gown off and ran away from this bad dream.

At the reception when the bride was about to throw the bouquet, though i was not up for it I joined all the single ladies who were lined up. At that time I told God "Lord I'm in pain right now and this is just ridiculous. If You really want me to forget him right now then You'll let me catch that stupid bouquet.". In my heart I knew that i was not going to catch the bouquet. I just wanted to prove to myself that God has abandoned me. I wanted to win against this argument with myself that God doesn't love me and I was so sure that victory would be mine as soon at the bouquet went flying in the air. I smiled at the thought of me winning. And later did I realize that the damn thing was aimed at my direction! I tried to move away but I was like paralyzed! The bouquet landed just in front of me and no one would claim it. I was shock when my relatives let me sat down on this chair! You know what happens next.

After the wedding I went to my grandma's garden thinking about what just happened. God couldn't have possibly done that for me. Why would He care for me? I'M AN AWFUL PERSON! So I said to myself it was just a coincidence. I felt bad about not being able to accept that was God's work that just happened and so I look around and saw a dragon fly that landed on a flower near me and I said "God if you really love me then I will be able to catch that dragon fly. Let me feel your presence". Without even an effort I caught it. And I started to have goose bumps. "Could be another coincidence. This is dead" I said. So I let poor thing go and it flew away and landed on another flower. "My mistake it was alive. It must have been sleeping." That's what I said to myself. So I gave it another shot. For the second time I caught it! Still I didn't believe.

Went home and watch tv. I saw a yellow butterfly flying just above me. Then I thought about what happened in the garden so I said to myself that if that butterfly lands on my head I would accept and believe that God loves me. I knew in my heart that it will never happen. But after a few seconds the butterly was already an inch away from my face and i started to ran away because i got scared. I actually felt God was there with me. And I said "Alright! Alright! I believe You. I'm sorry.". That was the day that i started to believe in signs.

Today I ask another sign from Him. A guy that I have recently developed feelings with has left (I'll just call him Coldy). Most of my friends told me that i should tell him. But I couldn't. So I prayed to God to help me. I wrote Coldy a letter and hid it somewhere. If he finds it then that's the only time he will know what I truly feel. That he will finally understand why I seem unstable whenever he is arround. The rest is all up to Coldy now. So even though I feel crushed right now that I can no longer see him everyday and that I miss him so much already, I just think of God's love for me. I know that He only wants what's best for me that if Coldy is really the guy for me then it will happen and if not then I'm sure God has some other plan. So I wait and pray for a strong heart.

Goodbye Ching-Ching the Unlovable

I'm creating this new site because I don't wanna be unlovable anymore. :) Rather I wanna be the person who should be known for who I really am, kind, cheerful, sweet, funny sometimes,nice and maybe a little bit weird (in a cute kind of way as everyone close to me would put it). :)I wanna write about my adventures. I wanna inspire and be inspired. Life is too short to be wasting on nonsense. No room for moping around in my life. well I know that we can never prevent problems from coming but I should know by now that I am never alone. God loves me and He will never ever abandon me. In Him I trust and should never fear anymore. So please help me welcome the new me. In my own pace I will be coming out of my shell. One step at a time I will be conquering my fears. With the help of my friends and family I know I will make it. :)

Be witness of the changes and challenges I will be facing as I try to go make my dreams come true. Be witness to the journey to discovering myself, finding mr. right, and trying to make a difference in this world even in my own little way. Good luck and God Bless to all those who dream.