what if?

Early in the morning i opened my email i read this message from my manager that we are to start with our task. :( bummer. I dont even have a clue on what my task is about. not blaming anyone though it's just my heart is no longer in to doing anything here. :( trying to be patient but it seems the longer i stay here the more unstable i become. it sucks being here but who am i to complain? out of all the jobless people in our country i happen to have one! but i just can't help it when i feel that i should be doing something else. Why? Why did i choose being a programmer as a profession? when i was a kid being a programmer was so not my dream. if given a chance to go back in time i would definitely want to try other professions.

teacher

i think i would make a good grade school teacher. having been a volunteer in gawad kalinga i think that i can handle kids pretty well. they would definitely love me because i would give them easy exams and we would just sing and dance the whole time. but how i wish all kids are good ones. I have happened to encounter the naughtiest kind. the kind that santa would cross out from his to-give-gift-list. what would everyone say if a kid would make me cry? so i guess being teacher is not a good idea then.

doctor

i have always wanted to save lives and being a doctor would definitely fit me. but having been sickly when i was little sort made me develop a phobia of needles and blood. I can't stand the sight of a needle much more if it's penetrated to my skin. I would just fade out of consciousness. so doctor is definitely a no.


police woman

if i cannot save lives being a doctor then next in line would be a police woman right? I mean i would be chasing bad guys and get to beat them too. Unfortunately I am not that brave. Only in my dreams do i get to hit someone i despise so much. I can't even kill a tiny mouse nor can i shoot some zombies in a computer game. I am just not a violent person. so police woman is a no.

model (violent reaction is not welcome!)

yup! even though i hated playing with my barbies i still dreamed of becoming a model. How i would love to look all pretty and confident. with all the beautiful dresses and shoes and make up. all those. but then when i was in high school i became over weight and that dream was suddenly gone as soon as i reached 140lbs on the weighing scale. And even though i lost 20lbs in college i was just too lazy to even try putting face powder nor do i even comb my hair. i can't even make a decent pose in front of a camera. i'm way too shy and my confidence is way too low and i don't think i even pass to their beauty standard. and so being a model is defintely out.

lawyer

just a wishful thinking. can't even defend myself most of the time even if i know i am right. :D

musician (please don't laugh)

i sing when i take a bath, when i cook, when i wash my clothes, heck even when i sleep. i love to sing! the only trouble is i was not blessed to have a beautiful singing voice. to save humanity singing is definitely a no no.

I realize now, as i go through all my possible other options that i will eventually choose a programmer after all. *sigh* maybe i just need motivation and inspiration. oh well got to go back to work now. :(

Removing Band Aid

For the first time in almost 4 years here in my company finally i sent out my resume to like 10 companies. it was a nerve wrecking experience for i was thinking already of being rejected but then my intuition was right after all (3 out of 10 called and only 1 considered me for the final interview). but the whole experience was like removing band aid. it was painful at first but then i get over the pain after. i got my first phone interview from one of the companies i randomly sent my resume to. it was not that bad at all. then i realize all these times i have been afraid to go out there, all the times i have wasted being a coward.. then you find out that this thing that you were so afraid of was just a tiny thing that is not even that scary. it was like you see this huge shadow, a monster as it appears before your eyes then you take a good look then you laugh at yourself for having been afraid of a tiny little mouse's shadow. So yes i have not been happy with my job. but never have i even tried to apply to another company because i was too afraid of having to face REJECTION. and so i stayed.. even though i felt that i was no longer contributing well and it feel damn awful i had to stick to being miserable at my work because i would rather not get rejected. and so just last week i took a chance and even though yes it might be a rejection that i have not been called days after my final interview i actually didn't feel that bad as i have imagined it. the only thing that i have felt bad about is that i have wasted so much time being afraid of nonsense and that i should have done this a long time ago. if i had only tried then maybe i have not spent years of my life moping over a problem that could be solved as easily as 1+1. indeed you will never know unless you tried. I was just too concerned about getting rejected than finding my own happiness.

i do not love my job anymore and it has been a burden! and the only way i could ever fix this is to go out there and find something that could make me feel that i actually am good at something because i put my heart to it. at least now there had been an improvement. submitting my resume is definitely my ticket out of here. i got to keep trying no matter what. GOOD LUCK TO ME THEN.

Finding happiness

Wednesday: day after I went jogging knees was in a lot of pain. I was limping when i got in the office. Thursday: i woke up with a stiff neck. didn't work and filed for sick leave. Friday: i feel a bit better. knees and neck seem to be in less pain. Saturday: my monthly period came and i suffered hours of cramps. Sunday: Woke up feverish with a sore throat. Monday: pain on throat got a lot worse so i went to see a doctor and found out i have... faringitis? dont remember what the name was nor how it is even spelled.. anyways i asked the doctor what that is and he said I had an infection on my right throat because of eating too much ice cream and sweets and junk food. naming all my favorite food came out a bad news to me. :( Medicine caused a lot too. 48.90 each! and i have to buy 12 of it. Never before had i been this sick in straight days. I feel like i'm in hell right now. I have trouble eating and now my tummy is in pain. :( My sister told me last night that illnesses could sometimes be psychological. She knows that i have been really unhappy at work and it shows everytime i would go home. She encouraged me to find another job and find my happiness. I'd like to share what she told me that struck me the most. She said "happiness equals wellness". And i actually think she has got a point. I'm praying that i will find a new job and hopefully find my happiness.

Wake Up!!

It's the same routine everyday! I set the alarm at 6:00 in the morning, turn it off and go right back to sleep till I wake up only when I am hungry. I do this only when I am completely bored at work but when i do have something to look forward to I'm usually early than my alarm clock. Well I've been rather lazy lately. Would come in rather late at work and looking like I drunk person. Not really proud of myself. I just lack motivation right now. The thing that i hate most in waking up early is it's really cold! We dont have hot showers here so we just have to go bathe in frozen water (i'm actually just exagerating). Temperature is tolerable except that your lips would shiver sometimes as you go out of the bathroom and cold wind comes embracing you. Got to find something to motivate me. perhaps try looking for a new job, a new city, new faces, new people.. what do you think?

Speaking in front of the Camera..

This is my first time to ever speak in front of the camera.. Hmmm it was kinda awkward but i decided to give it a shot.. I didn't notice till now that my hands were covering my chest twice the whole time the video was taken.. i must have been that nervous to know what was going on with some parts of my body.. well i need a whole lot of practice! this video is for my bf.. i introduce to him my new pet, a fighter fish which i named after him.. hope he likes this..

-Chingot