Signs

It was during my cousin's wedding did I first ask God for a sign. During that time I was broken hearted. The guy I was seeing then left me for his high school sweetheart. I really didn't feel like going to this wedding at the time. Seeing a bride and groom so happy together was just all too much for me and i have to wear this horrible bride's maid gown too! To top it all my partner was 5 inches shorter than I am and everyone at the church was giggling when it was our turn to ramp the aisle. A daymare it was! The whole time I wanted to cry! Thank God I'm a bit blessed with an acting skill. I was able to smile and be cheerful even though I just wanted to rip my gown off and ran away from this bad dream.

At the reception when the bride was about to throw the bouquet, though i was not up for it I joined all the single ladies who were lined up. At that time I told God "Lord I'm in pain right now and this is just ridiculous. If You really want me to forget him right now then You'll let me catch that stupid bouquet.". In my heart I knew that i was not going to catch the bouquet. I just wanted to prove to myself that God has abandoned me. I wanted to win against this argument with myself that God doesn't love me and I was so sure that victory would be mine as soon at the bouquet went flying in the air. I smiled at the thought of me winning. And later did I realize that the damn thing was aimed at my direction! I tried to move away but I was like paralyzed! The bouquet landed just in front of me and no one would claim it. I was shock when my relatives let me sat down on this chair! You know what happens next.

After the wedding I went to my grandma's garden thinking about what just happened. God couldn't have possibly done that for me. Why would He care for me? I'M AN AWFUL PERSON! So I said to myself it was just a coincidence. I felt bad about not being able to accept that was God's work that just happened and so I look around and saw a dragon fly that landed on a flower near me and I said "God if you really love me then I will be able to catch that dragon fly. Let me feel your presence". Without even an effort I caught it. And I started to have goose bumps. "Could be another coincidence. This is dead" I said. So I let poor thing go and it flew away and landed on another flower. "My mistake it was alive. It must have been sleeping." That's what I said to myself. So I gave it another shot. For the second time I caught it! Still I didn't believe.

Went home and watch tv. I saw a yellow butterfly flying just above me. Then I thought about what happened in the garden so I said to myself that if that butterfly lands on my head I would accept and believe that God loves me. I knew in my heart that it will never happen. But after a few seconds the butterly was already an inch away from my face and i started to ran away because i got scared. I actually felt God was there with me. And I said "Alright! Alright! I believe You. I'm sorry.". That was the day that i started to believe in signs.

Today I ask another sign from Him. A guy that I have recently developed feelings with has left (I'll just call him Coldy). Most of my friends told me that i should tell him. But I couldn't. So I prayed to God to help me. I wrote Coldy a letter and hid it somewhere. If he finds it then that's the only time he will know what I truly feel. That he will finally understand why I seem unstable whenever he is arround. The rest is all up to Coldy now. So even though I feel crushed right now that I can no longer see him everyday and that I miss him so much already, I just think of God's love for me. I know that He only wants what's best for me that if Coldy is really the guy for me then it will happen and if not then I'm sure God has some other plan. So I wait and pray for a strong heart.